my mind has been pre-occupied lately with thoughts of the end times. i believe that we will live through The Great Tribulation before the return of Christ. i believe that these times will be both great and terrible, with the Church rising up in unity, with miracles becoming more and more the norm, and many of us choosing Jesus over our literal lives. all of this has inspired fear in my heart. upon reflection, i don't want there to be an ounce of fear in my heart when i think about the road ahead. i don't want to have a heart full of offense at the Lord for allowing the deaths of His chosen ones. i want to cultivate an unoffended heart here and now, before it all comes down. this requires a few things to prepare my heart.
first, i need to know more about what is to come. i'm gathering information (much of which i'm getting from mike bickle) and studying up on Revelation and Matthew 24. Jesus doesn't leave us without knowledge or ways in which to prepare ourselves for the coming tribulation. He very much prepares us through these readings, in particular, and other portions of Scripture. the more i understand, the more i can come to understand that the Lord HAS to send forth His righteous judgments onto the earth. He is a Holy God. He must judge against the nations and the powers of darkness. this is just as much who He is as He is loving and kind to those who fear Him.
secondly, i need to work at these little offenses that live in my heart. i need to repent for the offenses when they rise up and ask the Lord to give me faith to trust Him - to take Him at His word. when offenses rise, i have to forgive and trust that He does actually know what He's doing. after all, who am i, the created, to say to the Creator, "You don't really do a good job at what you do."??
so i bring my little heart before Him, once again, asking Him to remove any seed of offense, believing and begging Him to help my unbelief. i don't want my heart to be offended when i see the death of the innocent, or the destruction of those i love. i want to stand firm on the Rock of my salvation and say with great conviction, "You are good, and Your mercy endures forever."
in other news, i've moved back in with the 'rents in southfield. i've been able to rent out my bedroom (to another believer!) and am working to get the upstairs bedrooms rented out, too. the goal is to make enough from the renters to cover the monthly mortgage and utilities. then i can throw all the money i make from working at my debt. i could have it all paid off in about 15 months, possibly less. as of now, the ultimate goal is to be debt free and have about $10,000 in savings before moving to kansas city sometime in my 30th year. i keep telling myself that i want a missouri license plate for either my 30th or 31st birthday. :) if i go in my 30th year, it will have been a dream held in my heart for 10 years finally coming true. i believe this is the direction the Lord desires for me... and it excites my heart as i wait to see how He will continue to show Himself faithful and strong!
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Friday, November 20, 2009
just me being honest...
I would like to write something witty here. However, I feel no wit free-flowing through my mind at this moment. So I’ll ramble on about what IS going on inside my head, which may or may not be of any interest to anyone aside from me.
Oh, how the past year has been a year of great challenge. Some days I feel completely confident in my God’s goodness. Other days I struggle to stand firm remembering His faithfulness. The journey of my heart just this past year alone has been long, winding, up hill, down to the valley, full of hope, hurts, healing, trust and renewing.
Just in the last seven months, I met and fell hard for a man I thought I would end up marrying. He loves Jesus, is generous, gentle, kind, patient, willing to talk through “relationship stuff”, very handsome, laid back and strong in his convictions. He is incredible. But it seems that things between us have come to an end.
We encountered a hurdle. That hurdle was speaking in tongues. He doesn’t practice it, and I have in the past and do not feel it is wrong. While I’ve never been comfortable speaking in tongues in the public setting (church, house of prayer, etc.), I have used my prayer language in private on many occasions. While this has never been an area in which I felt a strong conviction and would be completely fine never publically speaking in tongues again, he felt this was a big enough issue to end things between us.
I think I’ve felt absolutely every emotion one could feel in this situation: anger, frustration, sadness, comfort in choosing Jesus over a man, joy in following Him even when I don’t get my way, faith knowing that God has ALWAYS been faithful to provide and He is still faithful, even in this situation, etc. But I think the one overall thing I’ve learned is that even when my heart can’t seem to connect with His goodness, I stand on the knowledge that He IS still good. He just is. He has good plans for me and if this man is not part of His good plan for me, I need to accept it and trust that He knows what He’s doing. I may not see where He’s leading me or why, but I trust in His love. He has, after all, proven time and time again that He loves me and is faithful to me.
Another pretty cool thing that has happened since all of this has shown me a glimpse of what it means to lay down my life for a friend. A co-worker of mine is not following Jesus right now. She and I have discussed the journey of my heart through all of this and I’ve been brutally honest about my feelings and where my heart has been all along, even on the ugly days. But she said to me two days ago, “I really believe God is trying to get my attention. First, He brought you into my life and our conversations have really gotten me to think about Him and where I’m at with Him. Then He brought this other person into my life who is pointing me to Him, too. It’s crazy! It’s like He’s using your pain to get my attention.”
Well, even if this whole thing with this guy has been for this one woman’s salvation, then the pain has been completely worth it. Some days I wish I could undo the past seven months and take with it all the pain. But when I heard those words from my co-worker, I realized that whatever the reasons God had, they have been worth the pain. If the death of my dream and hope means the life of someone else, then I gladly lay down my life and die to my dream and my hope.
I do believe God will give me new dreams and new hopes in time. Right now, I still cry a lot every day. I still miss him. But I know that the One who holds my heart is trustworthy. And He comforts me in my pain. In my mourning, He is beside me and brings moments of joy, such as that conversation with my co-worker. Or the joy felt in giving my heart and my desires back over to Jesus and knowing He will sustain me. He alone can satisfy my heart.
Oh, how the past year has been a year of great challenge. Some days I feel completely confident in my God’s goodness. Other days I struggle to stand firm remembering His faithfulness. The journey of my heart just this past year alone has been long, winding, up hill, down to the valley, full of hope, hurts, healing, trust and renewing.
Just in the last seven months, I met and fell hard for a man I thought I would end up marrying. He loves Jesus, is generous, gentle, kind, patient, willing to talk through “relationship stuff”, very handsome, laid back and strong in his convictions. He is incredible. But it seems that things between us have come to an end.
We encountered a hurdle. That hurdle was speaking in tongues. He doesn’t practice it, and I have in the past and do not feel it is wrong. While I’ve never been comfortable speaking in tongues in the public setting (church, house of prayer, etc.), I have used my prayer language in private on many occasions. While this has never been an area in which I felt a strong conviction and would be completely fine never publically speaking in tongues again, he felt this was a big enough issue to end things between us.
I think I’ve felt absolutely every emotion one could feel in this situation: anger, frustration, sadness, comfort in choosing Jesus over a man, joy in following Him even when I don’t get my way, faith knowing that God has ALWAYS been faithful to provide and He is still faithful, even in this situation, etc. But I think the one overall thing I’ve learned is that even when my heart can’t seem to connect with His goodness, I stand on the knowledge that He IS still good. He just is. He has good plans for me and if this man is not part of His good plan for me, I need to accept it and trust that He knows what He’s doing. I may not see where He’s leading me or why, but I trust in His love. He has, after all, proven time and time again that He loves me and is faithful to me.
Another pretty cool thing that has happened since all of this has shown me a glimpse of what it means to lay down my life for a friend. A co-worker of mine is not following Jesus right now. She and I have discussed the journey of my heart through all of this and I’ve been brutally honest about my feelings and where my heart has been all along, even on the ugly days. But she said to me two days ago, “I really believe God is trying to get my attention. First, He brought you into my life and our conversations have really gotten me to think about Him and where I’m at with Him. Then He brought this other person into my life who is pointing me to Him, too. It’s crazy! It’s like He’s using your pain to get my attention.”
Well, even if this whole thing with this guy has been for this one woman’s salvation, then the pain has been completely worth it. Some days I wish I could undo the past seven months and take with it all the pain. But when I heard those words from my co-worker, I realized that whatever the reasons God had, they have been worth the pain. If the death of my dream and hope means the life of someone else, then I gladly lay down my life and die to my dream and my hope.
I do believe God will give me new dreams and new hopes in time. Right now, I still cry a lot every day. I still miss him. But I know that the One who holds my heart is trustworthy. And He comforts me in my pain. In my mourning, He is beside me and brings moments of joy, such as that conversation with my co-worker. Or the joy felt in giving my heart and my desires back over to Jesus and knowing He will sustain me. He alone can satisfy my heart.
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