I would like to write something witty here. However, I feel no wit free-flowing through my mind at this moment. So I’ll ramble on about what IS going on inside my head, which may or may not be of any interest to anyone aside from me.
Oh, how the past year has been a year of great challenge. Some days I feel completely confident in my God’s goodness. Other days I struggle to stand firm remembering His faithfulness. The journey of my heart just this past year alone has been long, winding, up hill, down to the valley, full of hope, hurts, healing, trust and renewing.
Just in the last seven months, I met and fell hard for a man I thought I would end up marrying. He loves Jesus, is generous, gentle, kind, patient, willing to talk through “relationship stuff”, very handsome, laid back and strong in his convictions. He is incredible. But it seems that things between us have come to an end.
We encountered a hurdle. That hurdle was speaking in tongues. He doesn’t practice it, and I have in the past and do not feel it is wrong. While I’ve never been comfortable speaking in tongues in the public setting (church, house of prayer, etc.), I have used my prayer language in private on many occasions. While this has never been an area in which I felt a strong conviction and would be completely fine never publically speaking in tongues again, he felt this was a big enough issue to end things between us.
I think I’ve felt absolutely every emotion one could feel in this situation: anger, frustration, sadness, comfort in choosing Jesus over a man, joy in following Him even when I don’t get my way, faith knowing that God has ALWAYS been faithful to provide and He is still faithful, even in this situation, etc. But I think the one overall thing I’ve learned is that even when my heart can’t seem to connect with His goodness, I stand on the knowledge that He IS still good. He just is. He has good plans for me and if this man is not part of His good plan for me, I need to accept it and trust that He knows what He’s doing. I may not see where He’s leading me or why, but I trust in His love. He has, after all, proven time and time again that He loves me and is faithful to me.
Another pretty cool thing that has happened since all of this has shown me a glimpse of what it means to lay down my life for a friend. A co-worker of mine is not following Jesus right now. She and I have discussed the journey of my heart through all of this and I’ve been brutally honest about my feelings and where my heart has been all along, even on the ugly days. But she said to me two days ago, “I really believe God is trying to get my attention. First, He brought you into my life and our conversations have really gotten me to think about Him and where I’m at with Him. Then He brought this other person into my life who is pointing me to Him, too. It’s crazy! It’s like He’s using your pain to get my attention.”
Well, even if this whole thing with this guy has been for this one woman’s salvation, then the pain has been completely worth it. Some days I wish I could undo the past seven months and take with it all the pain. But when I heard those words from my co-worker, I realized that whatever the reasons God had, they have been worth the pain. If the death of my dream and hope means the life of someone else, then I gladly lay down my life and die to my dream and my hope.
I do believe God will give me new dreams and new hopes in time. Right now, I still cry a lot every day. I still miss him. But I know that the One who holds my heart is trustworthy. And He comforts me in my pain. In my mourning, He is beside me and brings moments of joy, such as that conversation with my co-worker. Or the joy felt in giving my heart and my desires back over to Jesus and knowing He will sustain me. He alone can satisfy my heart.
